I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.