Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”