Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
get you a girl who
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.