*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.