1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Damn he played himself
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”