The morning after pill, but for tweets
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*