Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.