They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Did I do this right
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I love you…
…r dog.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*