Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Realize this:
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
This is I, Robot all over again
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly