Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
584.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?