I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
The struggle is real
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay