I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.