Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.