My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*