Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”