She puts the hot in psychotic
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!