People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.