The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
just pretend nothing happened
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall