Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.