Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: âI peed three times last nightâ
Her: âDonât you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?â
Me: âGetting up?â
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I just tested negative for patience.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
estĂŁo todos miauvindo?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
normal people kissing:
â˘sensual
â˘butterflies in ur stomach
â˘ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
â˘clink
â˘clank
â˘ok lets take them off
â˘wait whereâd u go
â˘u feel cold
â˘oh thatâs a lamp
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
2019 stress ball: â
2020 stress ball: |
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
âgod has a plan for youâ ok well i have some notes for him
I went to type âkill meâ and it changed to âmilk me.â I donât even know what else to say now.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth đ
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS