A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.