If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
real
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.