I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“How’s your day going?”