pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Whoa 😂
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have