Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
You Might Also Like
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Meanwhile in Canada…
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever