Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.