I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Match dot com, but for socks.