If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵