Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂