Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Golf would be better with landmines.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms