I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.