Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn