[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
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I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
2022 will be better than 2021
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago