dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.