If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.