Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
You Might Also Like
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.