Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You Might Also Like
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.