Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive