I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My love language is hissing.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet