Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts