Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]