Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
become ungovernable
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.