Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
honestly, i need both:
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.