don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.