Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated