Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Only a mother’s love …
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
I’m about to risk it all
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”