[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
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Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..