when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The government even made aliens boring
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent