“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
She puts the hot in psychotic
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.