I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don鈥檛 expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that鈥檚 the guy who knows where all the treats are
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 馃槒
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
No way!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT